Greg Gutfeld: We came home empty-handed from Biden-Putin summit

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Putin remained as cool as Fonzie locked in a walk-in freezer in the summit with Biden. Joe was as defensive as me when my wife finds me googling leather headgear.

So, was anything accomplished? Joe making it through the whole trip without breaking his hip on a staircase is something we can be proud of.

But this is the same reset routine that impresses no one but a fangirling media. It’s fun for them. They get to fly to Geneva, mix Ambien with vodka on the plane, and wake up in a time zone with their pants on their heads. Shout out to Acosta.

Let’s talk about the dumbest thing a president has ever done since FDR tried to jump in the White House pool. Yesterday Joe Biden told us what he said to Putin about cyber-attacks. It’s amazing.

BIDEN: I talked about the proposition that certain critical infrastructures should be off-limits to attack period by cyber or any other means. I gave them a list…16 specific entities, 16 defined as critical infrastructure under U.S. policy, from the energy sector to our water systems.

I am dumbstruck. So dumbstruck in fact that I believe I could now host “The View” and play all five parts. He acts like this is an achievement! He tells Putin what’s off-limits for an attack. Does that suggest that everything not on that list, is on-limits?

Putin has the perfect defense if he wants to hack SpaceX! “I’m sorry, it wasn’t on the list.”

Now – I went through this list, because, like Miley Cyrus’s ass, it’s available for everyone to see. It’s on the CISA website, so we can all reference it.

And there’s a lot Joe didn’t put in there, like, say Fox News. Or my duplex in Damascus.

Don’t we all see how weird this is: to give your adversary “boundaries,” like he’s your dominatrix. Spank me – but no tickling!

It’s like a mobster who’s about to be whacked but asks his killers just not in the face. Which guarantees himself a closed casket.

Asking bullies nicely doesn’t even work against Chrissy Teigen.

If Joe were any more naïve he’d be sending a plane full of cash to Iran.

I wonder how the angry white male sees it?

Tom Shillue, Angry White Male: I guess that makes sense. You make a list, ask for what you want. My wife does that with me. See, milk, eggs, light bulbs. Done. Yup, you wanna, gotta, do something, you make a list, he’ll stick to it. But then again, I’m not an evil dictator.

That list is like leaving a note on your front door as you leave for vacation.

“Robbers, if you think of breaking in, please do not target the safe behind the painting in the living room. Or the wife’s diamonds in the bedroom dresser, and most important – do not check the red container in the basement – that’s where we keep Walt Disney’s head.”

Biden’s list is as effective as a “drug use is prohibited sign” at Charlie Sheen’s house. How can you be so clueless, to give a world leader a list of our vulnerabilities?

Putin’s the president of Russia, he’s not your shrink.

Now I get it – the list is generic and obvious. So is Applebee’s menu but I’m still gonna try a few things.

There’s mention of things like dams. Who knew you could hack a dam! Now we all do! Thanks, Joe!

And who thought to make this list in the first place? Could you imagine the brainstorming meeting? “Hey, the boss asked us to come up with demands for Putin.”

“I got an idea — they’ve been launching cyber-attacks! Why don’t we give them a list of stuff not to cyber-attack? That should solve the problem.”

“Yeah, great idea pat! And here we thought hires for the sake of diversity were worthless!”

And what did they expect in Putin’s response? “Whoa – thank you so much! This a much better gift than that stupid reset button! I’m gonna have to rethink our plan to attack these places.”

Did Biden’s staff think this would start a negotiation?

“President Putin, here are the 16 places we’d like you not to target.”

“Thank you, President Biden – we’ll back off on the post office – they seem capable of incompetence on their own. But we’d still like to target the energy sector, chemical and critical manufacturing.”

Well, ok, Mr. Putin, that’s progress!

We’ve gone from “Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall” to “please Mr. Putin don’t attack this firewall.”

Look – I’m no presidential historian. I collect toes from drifters – I don’t know if I should have confessed that.

But – we know Biden’s weak, and Putin’s not.

We also know that Putin’s blessed with always being in charge, while we change leaders every 4 or 8 years.

He’s Bill Belichick, and we are the new york jets changing head coaches constantly. (See, I know baseball, Kat.)

So it’s always us, who has to deal with him. And he gets to sit back and grin at the new guy.

And, he’s correctly thinking: why buy the cow if you can get the pipeline for free?

Still – why make it so easy for Vlad? Biden comes off as human resources, telling Putin, the boss, to stop flirting openly with China.

All the while our media swoons over Biden, it makes me wonder – how is CNN covering the summit outcome?

So, Putin got a pipeline, some fancy sunglasses. And a to-do list for his cyber army.

And we came home empty-handed.

Poor Joe didn’t even get to sniff anyone’s hair.

Maybe next time.